I Heart (Foil Stamp) You!

January 1978

The Secret Society of Super-Villains #12

It’s another round of classifieds! There are a few interesting ones in here, but let’s start with “See Miracle of Birth.” First of all, those words seem very out of place in any comic book ad. Secondly, they’re advertising an incubator with bird eggs, but all of the emphasis is on watching the chicks hatch, with absolutely no mention whatsoever of the fact that you then have five or six (depending on which part of the ad you believe) little baby birds that need to be taken care of. Seems kind of irresponsible to me…

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In other ads, I like the “OWN A PIECE OF NEW MEXICO OIL COUNTRY”… based in Iowa. And I also like “ELIMINATE DEBTS!”… by sending 35¢ to some address in Ohio – I think the first step in eliminating debt would be to stop sending money to vague classified ads from comic books!

 

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Put a Stamp on It!

December 1972

Jungle Action #2

Stamp collecting is a time-honored hobby, but apparently it was really big with comic book nerds in the ’70s, because the entire right column of this classifieds page is devoted to stamp collecting!

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I also like the “PLAY GUITAR IN 7 DAYS OR MONEY BACK” – sure, but it doesn’t say anything about how well you’ll be able to play guitar in that amount of time!

Is Mr. America a Cheap Knockoff of Captain America?

December 1972

Jungle Action #2

Following in the tradition of Charles Atlas, here we’ve got Joe Weider, who promises to turn you from a scrawny weakling to a buff manly man all with the help of his free booklet!

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Somehow I doubt that the guys in this ad owe all their success and muscleyness to a 32-page book, but I suppose it’s possible…

The Oh-So-Classy Classifieds

December 1989

Wonder Woman #37

Classifieds provide a smorgasbord  of cheesiness – they’re the cheapest advertising that money can buy in comics, meaning that they’re usually the lowest quality… which also means they can sometimes be the most entertaining!

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I think my favorite on here is the “Live Chameleon FREE!” ad (of course, the lizard is only free if you buy a six-month supply of food). Though the “!!GET ALL THE GIRLS!!  !!BECOME RICH & POPULAR!!  * ONLY $3.95 *” is pretty great – for only $3.95, how could you afford not to order??

Don’t Be Half A Man! Thanks to Charles Atlas

December 1972

Jungle Action #2

This one ranks right up there with Sea-Monkeys in terms of just how classic it is – Charles Atlas!

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Yes, you too can get a body like that in only 15 minutes a day! And then you can beat up bullies on the beach and all the girls will like you! It’s all so simple, right?

I love how on the form where you can check off your interests, in addition to the standard bodybuilding stuff, there’s also “magnetic personality” – I guess maybe they send exercises for your brain too?